Unhappy at School

Every fall, parents all across the country drop their children off at a new school. If you were like me, the drop off was a time of great excitement, lots of anxiety, and a few tears. As parents, we have so many bright dreams for our child’s school experience. Unfortunately, the happy dream sometimes dissolves quickly in the face of emerging problems. It can be heartbreaking to watch your child experiencing mounting frustration, anxiety, social difficulties, or behavior problems at school. The stress of a poor match can have long-term consequences for the child’s mental heath and academic success. As a psychologist, I receive many calls from parents who are struggling to understand why their child is unhappy and unsuccessful at school. In the worst case scenario, parents call because their child is about to be expelled. Many parents are shocked to learn that even a pre-schooler could be expelled, however, this is actually quite common, and happens most to boys.

While some parents discover problems abruptly, more go through periods of increasing uneasiness about their child’s adjustment. Children give us clues about how well they are tolerating school. Younger children tell us they are unhappy at school through their behavior. Parents of young children may observe excessive crying, withdrawal, or trouble eating and toileting at school. Teachers may report aggressive behaviors such as biting or hitting other children. Children of all ages may show their unhappiness in their bodies. They may complain of stomach pain, headache, or have trouble sleeping on school nights. Frequent visits to the school nurse can also be a ‘red flag’.

Older children are sometimes able to tell us when something is wrong. Typically, children say vague things such as “Its boring,” “The teachers are mean,” or “Its stupid.” Though older children can voice their opinions, it still requires detective work to determine why they are unhappy. For example, parents can not assume that just because a child says the school is boring that the work is too easy. Vague comments often mean that the situation is too complex for the child to make sense of himself, and should cue parents that its time to seek help.
One major source of potential ‘match problems’ is related to the child’s unique needs. Unhappiness at school is often a ‘red-flag’ for an emerging disability. The first signs of a learning disability, speech language delay, or Attention Deficit Disorder are often behavior problems or school refusal. Parents may recognize years later that the telltale signs emerged a few months after the child began formal schooling. Many parents are told to wait until the child ‘grows out of it’ or to hold their child back a year. Both of which can be very bad advice that squander valuable time to intervene.

Boys with learning problems or delays are often identified earlier because they tend to act-out when frustrated. Girls with disabilities may be overlooked for years because their behavior is less likely to be disruptive. While some private schools are ready and willing to make accommodations, many parents are dismayed to find their school does not offer any assistance to children with disabilities. It can be quite hurtful to learn that your child has to leave his school because of learning differences. Though public schools are mandated by law to provide an appropriate education to all children, this does not guarantee a good match. In our area we are fortunate to have many private schools with special needs programs or learning support centers within the school. If you suspect that your child has learning problems, it is wise to consult a psychologist to determine if your child has a disability. Finding out sooner rather than later can save years of expensive trial-and-error approaches to solving the problem. Parents who wait until the situation becomes a crisis are more likely to spend significant amounts of money on things that do not work. Getting an assessment takes the guessingwork out of helping your child.

Another source of mis-match could be the school culture. In this category are characteristics of a school such as level of structure, competitiveness, and style of instruction (Montessori, Waldorf etc.). The key to a good child-school match is understanding your child’s temperament and the school culture. An independent learner may enjoy Montessori, while a child who relishes working in groups may prefer a more traditional classroom. Another example is how much emphasis is placed on seatwork. If your little one is full of energy and must able to move his body, then a school that emphasizes long periods of seatwork would be a recipe for disaster.

There are schools that are nurturing, and schools that have more of a ‘sink or swim’ mentality. Some schools are competitive environments, where children have to fight for positions in the band or athletic teams. If your child becomes anxious about competing or just likes to do things for fun, then clearly this would not be a good match. A psychological assessment can help you determine if your child is experiencing an unhealthy level of anxiety at school.

You may also find that the social environment is wrong for your child. Some schools do an excellent job of promoting peer acceptance and positive interactions; others do not. A socially nurturing school is ideal for a more sensitive child who may be vulnerable to bullying. It can be worth changing schools to escape peer harassment. Bullying or social rejection places a child at higher risk for depression and even suicide, so it is not to be taken lightly. If your child is bullied or ostracized at school, he should be seen by a psychologist. If you are not sure about the match between the child’s temperament and school culture, ask the director to refer you to a psychologist who is familiar with the school’s culture.

Another source of ‘match problems’ is related to school expectations—how challenging is this school? As parents, we all hope our children will be eligible for accelerated schools or ‘gifted and talented’ programs. Gifted children may be bored and frustrated without sufficient challenge. For some children, acceleration and enrichment are the catalyst for excellence. However, there are many talented, intelligent children who do not thrive in accelerated settings. Not all children are happy under pressure to meet academic milestones ahead of schedule. Some schools push children towards activities that are not developmentally appropriate, such as forgoing play time for seatwork in early childhood. When evaluating an accelerated program, consider – does the program focus on what will excite your child and foster a love of learning, or does it focus on what looks prestigious to adults? Many children prefer to work at their own pace, or to select activities that capture their passions. These children may love a magnet program or Montessori school. If you are unsure that your child is suitably challenged, talk to the child’s teacher. If the teacher has doubts about the ‘goodness of fit,’ you may want to consult with an psychologist, independent school consultant, or individualized tutoring company.

Finally, if you are unsure that the school is a good match, get help. Ask to meet with the teacher and director. Be ready to listen as objectively as you can, because you may hear unwelcome news (I always recommend that both fathers and mothers attend these meetings whenever possible). Hearing that your child should leave his school can be a blessing in disguise. While it is tempting to assume that the problem lies with the school, be prepared to consider that your child may have different needs than most of his peers. If the plan you make with school staff does not lead to improvement in a couple of weeks, seek professional help from an outside source. Psychologists can draw up behavior plans that can make the difference for your child’s success in the classroom. Psychologists can also provide direct support to teachers unfamiliar with the child’s disability. If a child is not happy at school, the worst thing a parent can do is nothing.